Be honest, kind and empathetic. Communicate everything. Don't avoid/ignore conflicts. Try not to argue on same topics and resolve issues when they arise at their root. Truly acknowledge and apologize for mistakes made. Don't be cruel. Treat your partner and everyone with respect.
I need kindness and thoughtfulness. I communicate it right away. I’m a fairly sensitive guy and don’t feel like that’s a negative quality so I need a partner that’s nice and who lets me know they’re thinking about me. Not like 24/7 texting thing but I just like knowing I’m being considered. From major decisions to small shit like asking me if I want something from the store.
I need someone who gives the benefit of the doubt and assumes positive intent. Sometimes words or actions can be misinterpreted. Hopefully I have shown my partner that I am a good, caring person. So if something seems out of character, they should check in rather than assuming the worst. I do that in return by saying "Hey, when you said X it made me feel [mad/sad/rejected] because it sounds like [you're mad at me / frustrated / unsupported]. Am I reading that correctly?"
I don’t really care what you look like or what you do, I care about your kindness and your level of empathy. You can fix someone’s haircut or wardrobe or encourage your partner to go back to school if they want to change career paths, but kindness and expressing empathy, jumping to support your partner in their worst times...that’s something innate. And that’s what I’m looking for.
Go on walks with your partner to start the day. Get coffee, talk. Enjoy each other's company. ♥️
One of the most useful changes I made to dating was to view early dates as a way to have fun and decide if I liked them, instead of worrying whether they liked me- they were going to feel whatever way they wanted to about me, and if I was being myself and they weren’t into that, I didn’t want them anyway.
Really accept and live with the “she’s just not that into you” vibe. If the woman I’m dating wanted to be with me, she would. I spend less time worrying about how to react. If I want to double text I will, and the right person will be into it. I’m fully myself because it won’t scare off the right person. I’m communicative and ask for what I need. I think it all came down to being more comfortable being alone. I don’t have to change myself to make someone like me because if she doesn’t, I’m fine living my life with my friends.
Match her energy. If you find yourself sending messages into the void, just stop. If they come back piecemeal after a long pause, then slow them down. If she's responding quickly and there's a lot of back and forth, then that's good too. Also, I would suggest you bring your excitement down just a bit. You don't want to seem like an eager beaver on the first date. Calm down a bit, be excited, but don't let your mind wander too much either. The last thing you want to look like is a starving man sitting in front of a buffet.
Cheating happens for a few reasons, most being the person wants cake. Some are exit cheaters, where they are too cowardly to break up so they cheat until caught and are relieved because now they aren't the 'bad guy' who had to break it off. Some are seeking validation and have low self esteem so they want the ego boost knowing they are still desired. These people will also beg to reconcile. Some simply turn to others when they can't communicate or express feelings, and want their cake and to eat it too. Perhaps the relationship is in a funk and rather than just not being a selfish POS, they look outside the relationship if the grass is greener. These people will also beg to reconcile because they can't make up their mind. No matter the reason, cheating hurts the other person. And its cowardly and selfish. Not to mention STI's and the trauma from being lied to, gaslit and manipulated. Cheaters lie. Thats what they do.
Emotional maturity is empathy and accountability, or how people conduct themselves in a disagreement/confrontation. Everyone's just fine when things are peachy, it's the lows that bring things out. People who are instantly defensive, deflect etc. are insufferable. If you can put yourself in their shoes, actually look within and take responsibility for your part, that's pretty freaking hot.
Emotional maturity to me is proactively treating people in a way you'd want to be treated and doing the hard thing over the easy thing in life. I think something like ending a relationship or being honest about where you're at [like seeing someone new so you want to focus your energy there] over ghosting someone is doing the hard thing over the easy thing. Approaching people proactively to solve problems in good faith vs avoiding them because you're scared of conflict is the hard thing.
Your narrative will set you up to fail if you don’t remind yourself that a bad experience is just a bad experience. One untrustworthy man is just one untrustworthy man. All men shouldn’t have to pay for the actions of one. You could be missing out on a great person if you don’t allow them a blank slate.
I think compassion is the best way to defuse anger. Have lots of compassion towards yourself for feeling hurt and rejected. You went into this hoping to find love but it didn’t work out. That hurts. Also try having some compassion towards your ex to, she also tried to find love with you but it didn’t work. Or maybe have compassion towards her for making mistakes and getting it wrong. It doesn’t mean you have to condone how she behaved. If you can’t manage compassion you could start with feeling sorry for her. Try not to see it in such black and white terms as her being a monster and you being a blameless victim. That won’t help you in the long run.
Know that no matter how magical things were, you didn’t lose the right person. She isn’t the right person. The right person will stay and want to keep seeing you. The right person will want things to progress. So try to remember that. Sometimes when something doesn’t work out, it can feel like you lost your last chance at love. But you haven’t. She just isn’t the right one.
I think people in general, not just men, can become more closed off in time. Life is hard and we have all been through break ups and heartache and the worst of dating. We have all had our attempts at romance rejected and criticized. I think we really have to communicate about these things, and work on them with our partners.
Paired - 10 minutes a day to a better relationship.
Monet - Draw for Dates/Friends.
Teleport - Live video dating events.
Doctor Ramani - YouTube - Clinical psychologist, professor of psychology. Does videos on narcissism.
Dateable Podcast - Dating and Relationship Podcast.
Pure - Shameless dating app.