Be honest, kind and empathetic. Communicate everything. Don't avoid/ignore conflicts. Try not to argue on same topics and resolve issues when they arise at their root. Truly acknowledge and apologize for mistakes made. Don't be cruel. Treat your partner and everyone with respect.

Notes

• ​Marriage is not something you "do", it's something you make. One of the foremost requirements going in to a marriage is that both partners understand this. You will marry the right person if you change your axioms.​

• ​Finding the "right" person for marriage is pretty selfish. Be the right person. Try to strive to be the best person you can be and give grace when issues happen. Issues will happen. How you respond to them will result in the outcome of happiness of marriage.​

• ​Lack of effort equals not ready​

• ​My dating advice is not to think about dating too much but instead immerse yourself in the beautiful things in life and stay open.​

• ​Believing in friends rather than snubbing them for not “being on your level” is a generally smart practice.​

• ​I need kindness and thoughtfulness. I communicate it right away. I’m a fairly sensitive guy and don’t feel like that’s a negative quality so I need a partner that’s nice and who lets me know they’re thinking about me. Not like 24/7 texting thing but I just like knowing I’m being considered. From major decisions to small shit like asking me if I want something from the store.​

• ​I need someone who gives the benefit of the doubt and assumes positive intent. Sometimes words or actions can be misinterpreted. Hopefully I have shown my partner that I am a good, caring person. So if something seems out of character, they should check in rather than assuming the worst. I do that in return by saying "Hey, when you said X it made me feel [mad/sad/rejected] because it sounds like [you're mad at me / frustrated / unsupported]. Am I reading that correctly?"​

• ​Патриархат должен умереть, семья это про партнёрство, уважение и решение проблем вместе, как вы их разруливаете это не важно.​

• ​Approaching dating from the perspective of there being many men who want a loving and wonderful relationship has also been helpful. Now that I believe that, I’m finding more men that prove it to be true.​

• ​I don’t really care what you look like or what you do, I care about your kindness and your level of empathy. You can fix someone’s haircut or wardrobe or encourage your partner to go back to school if they want to change career paths, but kindness and expressing empathy, jumping to support your partner in their worst times...that’s something innate. And that’s what I’m looking for.​

• ​I think we always want to be with people we find attractive, but what we find attractive may change or expand.​

• ​Don’t lower your standards. Spend more time with these guys and see if attraction grows. Usually, people who give the advice to lower your standards are those who are more concerned with being in a relationship than finding someone they’re compatible with.​

• ​If you can just sit together doing nothing and still have a good time you know you have the right friend.​

• Go on walks with your partner to start the day. Get coffee, talk. Enjoy each other's company. ♥️

• ​Dating has absolutely changed in the last 25 years, a lot! Dating used to be you had a few options, picked one and made it work. Now the climate is much different with the illusion of infinite choice and lack of investment.​

• ​One of the most useful changes I made to dating was to view early dates as a way to have fun and decide if I liked them, instead of worrying whether they liked me- they were going to feel whatever way they wanted to about me, and if I was being myself and they weren’t into that, I didn’t want them anyway.​

• ​Stop doing the things you do "for them" so much. Put all the effort you put into the chase into yourself. You want to call, call. You want to have a quiet day at home? Turn off your phone. You want to ask a guy out? Do it. Not sure if you're feeling it? Let him make the first move.​

• ​Long distance tends to work better when there is a definite time frame for when you'll get back together. It's a lot easier to deal with the loneliness when you know that "in two years after I get __ done, we can be together".​

• ​Love and relationship are bonds that must be nurtured from both sides throughout life, or they fade away leaving nothing more than friendship.​

• ​Really accept and live with the “she’s just not that into you” vibe. If the woman I’m dating wanted to be with me, she would. I spend less time worrying about how to react. If I want to double text I will, and the right person will be into it. I’m fully myself because it won’t scare off the right person. I’m communicative and ask for what I need. I think it all came down to being more comfortable being alone. I don’t have to change myself to make someone like me because if she doesn’t, I’m fine living my life with my friends.​

• ​Having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. No one wants to be the partner that gives meaning to another person's life, unless they're also codependent in some way. It's emotionally draining to take on that kind of responsibility.​

• ​Match her energy. If you find yourself sending messages into the void, just stop. If they come back piecemeal after a long pause, then slow them down. If she's responding quickly and there's a lot of back and forth, then that's good too. Also, I would suggest you bring your excitement down just a bit. You don't want to seem like an eager beaver on the first date. Calm down a bit, be excited, but don't let your mind wander too much either. The last thing you want to look like is a starving man sitting in front of a buffet.​

• ​Every cheater I've ever known has done it multiple times. I'm sure there are exceptions out there, but yeah.​

• ​Cheating may not end a relationship, but it can speak powerfully to the cheater's ability/desire to handle relationship difficulties in a mature and humane fashion.​

• ​Cheating happens for a few reasons, most being the person wants cake. Some are exit cheaters, where they are too cowardly to break up so they cheat until caught and are relieved because now they aren't the 'bad guy' who had to break it off. Some are seeking validation and have low self esteem so they want the ego boost knowing they are still desired. These people will also beg to reconcile. Some simply turn to others when they can't communicate or express feelings, and want their cake and to eat it too. Perhaps the relationship is in a funk and rather than just not being a selfish POS, they look outside the relationship if the grass is greener. These people will also beg to reconcile because they can't make up their mind. No matter the reason, cheating hurts the other person. And its cowardly and selfish. Not to mention STI's and the trauma from being lied to, gaslit and manipulated. Cheaters lie. Thats what they do.​

• ​Once a cheater, always a cheater. It took me a long time to realize that it's not a situational thing, it's an outlook on life.​

• ​There really needs to be more understanding that some people truly are just busy. Plus a lot of women disable notifications from dating apps because they receive so many messages and likes, so they forget to check in.​

• ​Emotional maturity is empathy and accountability, or how people conduct themselves in a disagreement/confrontation. Everyone's just fine when things are peachy, it's the lows that bring things out. People who are instantly defensive, deflect etc. are insufferable. If you can put yourself in their shoes, actually look within and take responsibility for your part, that's pretty freaking hot.​

• ​Emotional maturity to me is proactively treating people in a way you'd want to be treated and doing the hard thing over the easy thing in life. I think something like ending a relationship or being honest about where you're at [like seeing someone new so you want to focus your energy there] over ghosting someone is doing the hard thing over the easy thing. Approaching people proactively to solve problems in good faith vs avoiding them because you're scared of conflict is the hard thing.​

• ​Be prepared to compromise. If you're used to always getting your way, you have the wrong mindset for a relationship. This applies equally as much to women.​

• ​Do not sweep anything under the rug. If there's an issue address it, and do everything to compromise and resolve it as much as possible.​

• ​She’s not the answer to your problems. I see so many long-term single guys who are desperate to be in a relationship, but they don’t seem to realize that a relationship will more often magnify their problems, rather than eliminate them.​

• ​In so many ways, women are like cats. If you chase women they will run away. Remember that women have a lot of men chasing them and they aren’t just looking for “a guy” they are looking for the one they want.​

• ​Coffee and walk are often the best dates. The focus of the date should just be get together, make sure you didn't misrepresent yourselves, connect a little, become comfortable in one another's company. Something that can be short if needed, but can be extended if things are going well.​

• ​Your narrative will set you up to fail if you don’t remind yourself that a bad experience is just a bad experience. One untrustworthy man is just one untrustworthy man. All men shouldn’t have to pay for the actions of one. You could be missing out on a great person if you don’t allow them a blank slate.​

• ​Emotions are irrational, people act how they want. Sometimes they hurt others (because for whatever reasons they have), sometimes they don’t even know what they’re doing until someone points it out to them.​

• ​I think compassion is the best way to defuse anger. Have lots of compassion towards yourself for feeling hurt and rejected. You went into this hoping to find love but it didn’t work out. That hurts. Also try having some compassion towards your ex to, she also tried to find love with you but it didn’t work. Or maybe have compassion towards her for making mistakes and getting it wrong. It doesn’t mean you have to condone how she behaved. If you can’t manage compassion you could start with feeling sorry for her. Try not to see it in such black and white terms as her being a monster and you being a blameless victim. That won’t help you in the long run.​

• ​'Match the energy' of people you are dealing with.​

• ​I need a person who can respectfully tell me exactly what they have a problem with and what they want. So then we can have an adult conversation to either fix it or understand we're not compatible.​

• ​Trying to get your needs met without being vulnerable leads to abuse.​

• ​People aren't trying to cultivate a monogamous lifelong relationship—some people stumble into it, but generally on the surface contemporary dating is "let's see what happens" with a lot of underlying anxiety/confusion/ambivalence that ruins things.​

• ​Don't create stories in your mind about him/her without ever knowing if this he/she is worthy of your swooning. Best thing is focus that energy on someone who is going to return the effort.​

• ​Things not working out sometimes is just a crappy part of dating. You just have to pick yourself up and move on.​

• ​Know that no matter how magical things were, you didn’t lose the right person. She isn’t the right person. The right person will stay and want to keep seeing you. The right person will want things to progress. So try to remember that. Sometimes when something doesn’t work out, it can feel like you lost your last chance at love. But you haven’t. She just isn’t the right one.​

• ​What I’ve learned through online dating is after 3-6 dates you start to feel like you really know the person. In reality, you don’t know them. They’re barely an acquaintance. And you can remove each other from your lives with a couple clicks and texts.​

• ​Don't become good at staying in toxic situations.​

• ​Integrity, courage, conviction and resourcefulness seems to be a rare combination but that's all I want in relationship.​

Links

• ​Generalized One-Night Stands (2019)​

• ​Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication (2019) (HN)

• ​What's your framework for determining whether a relationship is right for you? (2020)​

• ​Relationship advice from Dan Abramov (2020)​

• ​How to find your ideal partner​

• ​The Stable Marriage Problem and Modern Dating (2020) (HN)

• ​Paired - 10 minutes a day to a better relationship.

• ​How you 'attach' to people may explain a lot about your inner life (2020) (HN)

• ​Lex Fridman podcast with Whitney Cummings (2020)​

• ​The Round (Dating app designed for dating)

• ​Monet - Draw for Dates/Friends.

• ​Teleport - Live video dating events.

• ​Why investors don't fund dating​

• ​Doctor Ramani - YouTube - Clinical psychologist, professor of psychology. Does videos on narcissism.

• ​The narcissist's itch that can't be scratched (2021)​

• ​Why do relationships with narcissists feel like a series of unconnected episodes? (2019)​

• ​Dating over 30 Reddit Wiki​

• ​Ask HN: How to Build Empathy? (2021)​

• ​Ask Women over 30 Reddit​

• ​Has dating success fallen in recent years? (2021)​

• ​Things a healthy relationship should have (2021)​

• ​The 80/80 Marriage - Practical Guide to Marriage in The Modern Age. (Tweet)

• ​Epic Date Night​

• ​How did you ever recover from abusive relationship with a woman? (2021)​

• ​How important is good conversations? (2021)​

• ​How do you all accept kindness (love)? (2021)​

• ​What are little gestures that can brighten someone's day when dating or in a relationship?​

• ​What's something your partner does that just makes you smile? (2021)​

• ​Recovering from realizing your life with a narcissist was a lie (2021)​

• ​Best Dating App for Dating w/ Intention (2021)​

• ​In your experience, how long does it take for someone's "dark side" to come out in dating? (2021)​

• ​Why does someone go from normal relationship behavior to breaking up with you over night? (2021)​

• ​How big of a red flag is not asking follow up questions? (2021)​

• ​What is intellectual stimulation to you? (2021)​

• ​How to deal with my own red flags (2021)​

• ​Narcissistic Abuse Reddit​

• ​Divorce (2021)​

• ​Successful experiences dating "avoidants" (2021)​

• ​Dunbar's Number is Quadratic (2020)​

• ​Dating Trauma Podcast Episode (2021)​

• ​Dateable Podcast - Dating and Relationship Podcast.

• ​Biggest obstacles in finding a partner (2021)​

• ​Single men of Reddit in their 30s who have never had a girlfriend, how do you stay hopeful? (2021)​

• ​What is the early stage of dating someone new supposed to look like? (2021)​

• ​«Почему изменяют нам, почему изменяем мы, почему изменяют с нами?» (2021)​

• ​Those of you who are single by choice, who are you waiting for? (2021)​

• ​12 levels of friendship​

• ​Brené Brown on Empathy (Kid Friendly!) (Reddit)